


The faint smell of your clothes, reminds me that I'm home

by carsandtelephones37



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Author Projecting onto Na Jaemin, Character Death In Dream, Gen, I'm Sorry Na Jaemin, Na Jaemin-centric, Nightmares, Sad Na Jaemin, Soft Huang Ren Jun, Therapy is expensive, This has multiple chapters because I'm too much of a wimp to write it in one go, This one's gonna be a wild ride, so i wrote this instead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:33:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23470999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carsandtelephones37/pseuds/carsandtelephones37
Summary: Jaemin has nightmares. Not just little ones, but the kind that leave him gasping awake and too afraid to sleep at night. He's left with a choice: keep suffering alone and losing sleep, or ask for help. He finds solace in sleeping next to his friends, but things get complicated when he starts dreaming about the people he loves the most.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun & Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno & Na Jaemin, Na Jaemin & Everyone
Comments: 6
Kudos: 85





	1. you make me feel alright

**Author's Note:**

> Some of these dream descriptions can get pretty graphic, which is why I chose the rating. Before each chapter I'll list some of the things that happen in case people want to skip over it. Most of these dreams will actually be based on dreams I've had, because apparently my subconscious is better at coming up with terrifying things than I myself am.

Falling asleep in someone’s arms is something Jaemin is trying not to let himself get used to.

It’s hard though, because when he sleeps on his own, more often than not he wakes up shivering. Skin clammy and chest tight. Jaemin doesn’t sleep well. He has too many bad dreams.

Which is why it’s addicting, shuffling into one of the other boys’ rooms at night, making pouty faces and grabby hands until they inevitably move over to make room for him. He knows they just laugh it off, and see it as nothing more than Jaemin being his usual, charming self, but he still doesn’t know how to feel about them not knowing the real reason he asks to sleep next to them.

For sure though, he’s come to the realization that each boy has a distinct way of cuddling. It helps on the nights that he still wakes up, shuddering and on the brink of tears. It helps to know that he isn’t alone before he even opens his eyes. He can hear them breathing, he can feel their steady heartbeats in their chests. It helps prove his subconscious wrong, because lately, all of his bad dreams are about his boys.

Tonight he’s in Donghyuck’s bed. Hyuck cuddles like an octopus, so Jaemin doesn’t usually sleep in his bed unless it’s cold or he’s really worried. This night in particular is sort of both. When he wakes up, he feels air rush into his lungs. His face is wet. He’s been crying in his sleep.

He feels Donghyuck stir beside him, before growing still again, and it helps him calm down slightly. His dream was awful.

-

All of the Dreamies had been in a pool, laughing and splashing each other, excited to have free time and just enjoy each other's company. He giggled, watching Chenle flip Jisung out of a pool float. He let himself drift on his back. 

Slowly, the water grew warm. At first it was relaxing, Jaemin felt as if he were just in a warm bath, the kind he takes when his muscles are over-tired from practice and he needs his whole body to let go of some of its natural tension. But it didn’t stop. 

The other boys had stopped laughing, all of them exchanging nervous looks as they felt the water heating. Steam rose from the pool until Jaemin’s vision was blurry and he could hardly see anyone. He could hear them though. The temperature rose and Jaemin felt the strange sensation in his stomach of his internal organs overheating. 

That was when the screaming began. The piercing, gut-wrenching shrieks of his friends as bubbles rose in the water. They were boiling alive. He squinted through the steam and choked on a sob when he caught sight of Donghyuck, face contorted in pain and the skin slowly melting off of his body. He’d looked at his own hands and watched them pour away into the pool until he had completely dissolved.

-

He can’t stop shaking.

He knows the right thing to do would be to scoot off the bed and sit on the floor until he calms down again. He shouldn’t wake Hyuck up, even though he knows the older boy wouldn’t mind. Both of them need all the sleep they could get with the rising pressure of a comeback nipping at their heels. But he can’t seem to make himself leave the bed, taking too much comfort in the cool temperature of the sheets, the steady pressure of Hyuck’s arm and leg thrown over his body. He focuses on slowing his breathing. In for four seconds. Hold. Out for four seconds. 

He watches Hyuck’s sleeping face, finding comfort in how peaceful he looked. During the day, they all had worry lines forming despite the strength of the skincare they used. Now though, Donghyuck just looks so happy. His lips were tugging up at the corners, his nose and eyes would twitch every so often. Jaemin smiles. He must be having a good dream. Jaemin hates the twinge of jealousy he feels, but he can’t help it. He misses having good dreams. 

When he was really young, he remembers having dreams about flying, or silly dreams that made no sense as soon as he opened his eyes. After a while though, all those nice dreams started growing dark around the edges. In mid flight he would stall, and plummet towards the ground. His dreams about his friends laughing and making silly faces would leave him haunted as their faces slowly spun together into terrifying new creatures. Even if the dream started out well, it didn’t seem to last long.

Jaemin’s mouth feels dry. He forces himself out from under the covers, and Donghyuck squirms unhappily in his sleep. Jaemin slides a pillow down the bed and Donghyuck latches on to it, wrapping all his limbs around it until he’s curled in a ball. He looks like a child this way.

Jaemin pads his way through the dorm in socked feet. In the kitchen, he grabs a glass and fills it with water from the sink. The kitchen fan whirs in the background. 

He catches sight of someone in the living room, and freezes like a deer in the headlights. His shoulders drop though, realising it’s just Renjun. He’s focused intently on his tablet, holding a pen in one hand. Renjun has his knees pressed up against his chest, holding the device close to his face. He probably hasn’t even realized Jaemin is there yet. 

Jaemin decides he can likely escape without disturbing Renjun, holding his arms up at his sides and tip-toeing across the tile. Inevitably though, his feet find a discarded shoe, and he trips, falling forward and stepping harshly to avoid his own untimely death. 

Renjun jolts out of his tight posture, looking up and squinting into the darkness. His eyes widen slightly, and he turns off the tablet and drops it on the coffee table alongside his pen.

“Jaemin, why are you awake right now?” 

Jaemin stands up straight, a hand finding its way into his hair. 

“Oh, you know, just seeing what the dorm looks like at three in the morning. It turns out it’s exactly the same, goodnight Injun!!” He turns on his heel and starts walking away.

“Jaemin, stop.”

Jaemin freezes. He forces himself to calmly turn back and face Renjun.

“Were you- Nana, were you crying?” Renjun has his head tilted to the side, as if maybe the new angle will let him see better in the dimly lit room.

“No,” Jaemin mumbles, reaching up to touch his cheeks and finding they’re still wet.

“Come here, sit down for a sec.”

Jaemin does as he’s told, too tired to argue. He settles on the couch, looking down at his lap and hoping his hair covers his face somewhat. He’s caught between wishing Renjun was less observant, and being grateful to not have to be alone.

Renjun wraps an arm around his shoulder, hugging him tight. “What happened? Did you have a bad dream?” 

Jaemin stiffens. He knows that Renjun knows he’s had more nightmares than the average person, but he doesn’t want him to know just how bad they are. 

“Shh, it’s okay,” Renjun soothes, “hyung will help.” 

Jaemin swats him for that. “I’m fine, and you’re not my hyung! We’re only a few months apart, you only act like an old man.” 

He expects to be scolded, not for Renjun to giggle. Jaemin turns to look up at him curiously.

Renjun just smiles at him, “There we are, you’re still Jaemin at least. Now please, please tell me what happened?”

Jaemin purses his lips. Maybe if he tells him, Renjun will let him sleep in his bed. He’d rather not fight him and then be left to sleep in his room alone.

“I had a nightmare, and it woke me up. I can’t go back to Hyuck’s bed though, he’s still sleeping and I really don’t want to wake him up. Can I sleep with you?”

Renjun blinks and Jaemin blushes, mentally hitting himself for the word choice. He has to secure his sleeping place though so he steels himself and grabs Renjun’s hands.

“Hyung, can I please sleep in your bed?” He gives his best pout, staring at Renjun with puppy eyes. 

Renjun laughs and pushes him away. “Okay, okay yeah. Just- don’t look at me like that, I’m not going to pity you. I’d let you sleep in my bed anyways.”

Jaemin beams at him. He tackles Renjun in a hug and they tip over sideways on the couch. He shamelessly wraps his arms around Renjun and buries his face in his chest. He feels Renjun’s chest shake as he giggles, carding his fingers through Jaemin’s hair. He knows he should get up and drag Renjun into the other room, but his limbs are filled with something warm and heavy. He lets his eyes close, and he’s fast asleep within seconds.


	2. Only you can ease my slumber

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin remembers what it means to be in a group.

Jaemin sleeps through the rest of the night, with his back against the couch cushions and his nose squished into Renjun’s collarbone. He knows it probably isn’t that comfortable for the other boy, but he feels so warm and secure. He feels safe.

When he wakes up, Renjun is sitting besides the couch holding a mug and scrolling through his phone. Jaemin lays still, taking in the light that comes through the living room windows. He realizes he’s tucked in with a fuzzy blanket from one of the boys’ rooms. Renjun must’ve gotten it for him when he woke up. Jaemin finds his phone in the pocket of his sweatpants and checks the time. He slept until six o’clock, nearly a new record.

He stretches, limbs splaying and reaching all the way from one end of the couch to the other. He groans, feeling his spine give its protest over his sleeping location. Still, he feels almost rested. The memory of the dream that woke him up in the night sits at the edge of his memory. He could grab hold of it, remember the whole thing if he wanted to, but that’s the thing. He doesn’t want to. Besides, he hasn’t even had coffee yet.

Renjun must’ve seen him stirring, because he turns and grins blearily at him.

“Feel better?” Renjun twists in place, still looking at him. His back pops like bubble wrap. Jaemin tries not to worry about it.

“A lot, thank you Injunnie. I really appreciate it.” Jaemin says honestly.

“No problem kid. Also, there’s a fresh pot of coffee. I think I heard Jeno moving around, too.”

Jaemin smiles, hopping up, entirely ready to caffeinate and exasperate, which is what he calls his morning routine of drinking several cups of coffee and annoying the shit out of his dorm members. He hasn’t told them it has a name though, as wonderful as they are he knows they’d give him endless grief for it.

He ruffles Renjun’s hair as he passes by, unable to resist how soft and fluffy it looks just then. He feels Renjun weakly smack his wrist, laughing. The air is good this morning. He hopes it will be that way for the whole day.

He pours his coffee into the biggest mug he can find, which.. Might actually be one of their bowls with handles. He can’t care less. Arms wrap around his middle, and he twists his head to see Donghyuck’s face buried in his shoulder. Jaemin pats his head sympathetically. Mornings are hard.

“I thought you slept in my bed last night.” Donghyuck mumbles into his shirt, eyes still closed and hair sticking up at all angles. 

Jaemin feels a little guilty, “I woke up so I came out to the couch. Did you sleep okay?” 

Donghyuck lets go of him and stretches his arms up high, which isn’t actually all that high.

“Yeah, just wanted to make sure you didn’t like, get eaten by bed monsters or sleep paralysis demons or something.”

“You only wish you could get rid of me so easily. You’re stuck with me forever, Hyuckie.” Jaemin pokes Donghyuck’s belly while he’s reaching for his own mug, and watches him recoil, looking betrayed.

Jaemin giggles and grabs the mug for him. They still keep seven in the cupboard, even though Mark’s graduated. The eldest boy tried to take it with him and they refused, telling him that they needed to have at least some reminder of their former leader. Mark grumbled about having to buy another one, and how he shouldn’t let his dongsaengs push him around so much, but they all know he was secretly comforted by the knowledge that they’d miss him too.

They fix their drinks and sit at the table for a while in silence, growing more awake and putting on the day like fresh clothes. Jaemin catches himself staring at Hyuck again; the sight of his pretty, unblemished face smoothing away the last of his worries. They’re both okay. They’re going to be okay.

If only he could convince himself of that when he isn’t awake. 

.  
.  
.

That night he sleeps in his own bed, or at least.. He tries to sleep. After making such a fuss the night before, he feels the need to pretend he can sleep on his own. He rubs his face against the pillow, letting it catch and muffle the groan he lets out. His skin feels too tight. He feels trapped almost, by the knowledge that he’ll be completely along for the next eight hours.

He’s still not sure why he accepted the single room.

He loves having his own space, loves being able to shut the door and do things by himself, hear only his own thoughts and not have to worry about someone digging through his nightstand. Privacy is valuable when you live with five other people. But it’s all at the cost of spending four nights a week with the sheets twisted uncomfortably around his body, and feeling cold no matter how high the heat is turned up. 

Maybe it’s his body’s way of getting what it wants. He’s sure it wasn’t this bad before he moved in. Though at the same time, there wasn’t the same pressure on him. Before he became NCT Dream’s Jaemin, he was just a kid. He wasn’t worried about much. He had his dancing, it felt so freeing. Now, when he dances, there are steps to remember and eyes watching closely until his chest constricts. He feels less free and more like a puppet covered in thin, tight strings. He’s claustrophobic in his own skin.

He contemplates sleeping on the couch. It’s better, at least he has the mental imagery of his group mates being there. In his room it feels so.. Cold. Impersonal. He doesn’t want to concern the others with his weird sleeping habits, but they won’t get suspicious over sleeping somewhere else, right? Whatever. He needs to sleep tonight. 

He wraps his comforter around himself tightly, clutching a pillow between the fistfulls of blankets. He wears his ensemble into the hallway, where he smacks into Jisung.

Jaemin is struck by confusion as he balances himself. He’s the one with sleep problems, what is their Maknae doing out of bed?

Jisung whips around, surprised. “Good morning to you too, hyung.”

Jaemin laughs at the thought. “Jisung, it’s one-thirty. It isn’t even kind of morning yet.”

Jisung fake pouts at that, and Jaemin resists the urge to coo at him. They can’t let the boy know how much power he has over the group or they’re screwed.  
“Sungie, why are you awake?” 

Jisung looks up at him, “I should ask you the same thing.”

“Well, I asked first! You’re a growing kid, if you plan on outgrowing Johnny or Lucas you’re going to need your sleep.”

Jisung drops his shoulders, “I couldn’t sleep I guess. The new choreography has me worried. I know the dance teacher has her eyes on me, prodigal child and all, but something about it just won’t click. I was walking myself through it in the living room mirror.”

Poor Jisung. Jaemin winced internally, realizing he’d been so caught up with his nightmares lately that he hadn’t realized everyone around him was just as stressed.

“Do you wanna talk about it? You can come lay down in my room if you’d like. It might help you fall asleep easier.” Jaemin tries not to feel the twinge of selfishness in his statement. He does want to help Jisung, but he also really really would love any excuse not to have to sleep alone tonight.

Jisung looks relieved, “Would that be okay? I’d love to have some company right about now.”

Jaemin’s heart melts. “Of course.”

And he leads Jisung back into his room, tucks them under the covers and lets the other boy tuck his long limbs around Jaemin. They share a pillow and talk quietly. The best thing about being in a group is that even if you’re hurting, you never hold the hurt alone. Jaemin knows that even when he feels alone and exhausted and trapped and all of those other horrible feelings that jumble under his skin, he’s still sharing a roof with five other boys who will understand him like no one else can.

He falls asleep after Jisung, watching how his hair fans out on the pillow. Hears the soft whistle of his steady breath. He closes his eyes, content. They’ll be okay as long as they have each other.


End file.
